Doubting.

God, do you actually exists?

Show me the way.

I just need a direction.

One is enough.

How long I can stand for?

泪

泪水又流下了，才发现我真的很想念妈妈。

怎么办？

Goodbye my love!

26.05.2011, Lilian is leaving to UK today =( feel abit uneasy! but nvm, time flies and 3 months gonna past quickly! I hope she'll be settling down fine over there. Have a safe flight dear!

Things to update:

1. I've got an offer to work as In-House lawyer in a construction/infrastructure company last week. And I'm going to start my new job on the 1 June. A brand new start and I hope all my bad luck for 2011 gonna end by 31 May and starting from 1st June, good luck all ahead and surprises coming up to me!

2. Bought air-tickets last few days from AirAsia. They offered good bargain sale! I'm going Perth in March 2012 and Bali in May 2012. The first trip back to Aussie after so many years (but I hope to go Melbourne instead!).

3. I'm heading back to Cardiff in July for 10 days. Gonna be a hectic trip I guess. Pray for me.

4. I'm heading back to KK next Friday till Sunday just to visit my dad! He said he miss me. LOL!

5. Met up with my God-mother last weekend! She came back with her husband and baby girl all the way from UK! Her baby is just simply adorable!

6. I gonna start off a new business of mine in next few months (not confirmed yet). Dad want me to learn to earn more!

Will update you guys again when everything has confirmed.

That's all I guess. Bless me in my new career starting from next week. Frankly, I prefer working rather than studying. Because I feel that it's more real and at least I can know what's the real world happening out there. Although sometimes abit sienz, this is process of life!

Be positive thinking girl! :D and I wanted to be a happy one. To brighten up those who are around me.

Take Care guys! ByeBye!

P.S: Safe flight dear! I gonna miss you and please b good.

Blessings.

A new week ahead, Thanks God for the past week.

Bless me please in my upcoming interviews on Wednesday.

I need a job, God. Grant me if it's your will =)

Gonna meet up with my Godmother and family this weekend

They are coming back from UK!!

I really looking forward to see them after so many months.

Hope this week gonna be a good week for me.

For those Cardiff's friends, keep you all in my prayer!

All the best in upcoming papers!

*Bought a new camera Yesterday and I'm extremely happy! Will upload pics to share in next post if I'm free.

Off to bed now.

Nitez Guys!

Is this a mere dream or a going-to-be achievable dream?

Sometimes I just wonder if I can really be a lawyer??

This question has been questioning around my mind all these time. Am I forcing myself too hard when my ability is not there?

I work so hard these days but it seems like there is no improvement. W-H-Y?

Am I not intelligent than others? or Am I not learning as hard as others do?

For myself, I think...Yes, I might not be as smart/intelligent as others. But, at least I tried my best to do everything I can. I studied so hard in my high school and university, all I want is just to achieve my dream.

I'm extremely pressures now. And obviously I'm under stress. What should I do?

Boss asked me today: "Why are you keeping yourself quiet everytime when I know you know the answer? What makes you so not confident bout yourself and what makes you scare about?"

Me: "Still keep silent...."

And I'm trying to find out all these answer till now. He wakes me up from facing all these.

I scared about I'm wrong. I'm scare to know that I'm not capable enough.

Please God, stop fooling me around. Tell me straight away what should I do and what I should not. And am I really able to be a lawyer. Show me the way pleaseeeee.

I'm tired to be like this.

Really having hard feelings right now but nothing much I can do.

Just keep for myself and show a big smile in front of everyone. Pretend to be strong =(

No tears are allowed tonight, KaiYien!

Is my dream to be a lawyer mere a dream or is going to be in real one day? *heartache*

I feel like giving up.

Faith, Hope and Love.

I bought a book from a christian bookstore today, called "Love Your Life by Victoria Osteen". While I read through. I found out this:

"No matter where you are today, you have the potential to have better relationship,

to increase in confidence,

to overcome obstacles and to celebrate the life God has given to you.

Perhaps some unfair things have happened in your past,

but those things don't define you and they don't determine your future.

It's not what happens to you that matters the most, it's what happens in you.

You don't have to let your experiences draw confidence from you;

instead you can draw confidence from your experiences.

Be encouraged today because there is so much more in you that is waiting to be discovered.

There are new options for your future,

and opportunities to be recovered.

Now is time to leave the past behind and make room to embrace the destiny that lies ahead for you."

After reading this, I think this book gonna cheer me up and help me to find back my determination and motivation in my life. How much I struggled in God's faith these days, myself really don't know. After so many incidents, my faith towards God has dropped till the lowest point in my life. It never ever happened before!

Of course, I still firm with this religious, and I still believed there's God out there. Just that sometimes, I really don't know what plan He has planned for me.

But I'm telling myself these days, 'be patient, and you'll understand one day.' And yes, I still feel thankful to God for everything. I still feel blessed that He arranged so many people around me to support, encourage and love me in the toughest period.

I'm not sure what's going to be like in the coming days, months and years. But I'll be tough.

I will continue to find back myself and of course I will continue to find the happiness I want all these years.

Loving my life is being willing to make changes.

And yes, I'm willing to make changes because I want to love my life.

1st, I want to be a confident person, a person who can speaks out everything and gives my own view courageously and a lawyer-to-be.

2nd, I want to be a optimistic thinking person. Took away all the negative thoughts.

3rd, Appreciate those who around me.

These 3 things are the most difficult things for me all these years. I tried so hard to change but things never work out =(

But Today, I'm different. And I know how much I want to change for my life, my future.

I'm no longer the weak one. I will fight for it.

Mum, promised you, I will be good for now and be a loving and success wife & mum in the future just like how you did.

I will find back all my faith in God very soon I know. I will get back to track.

A prayer:

Sorry Father Lord for losing faith and hope in You for the past months.

I believed You are the creator of heaven and earth and You has prepared the best things for me in my life. Please forgive me and grant me more patient. Let me grow and learn from Your words. Although I don't really understand Your will for what had happened, still I will continue pray for an answer. Grant me more wisdom and strength to get over all this hard time. I need You to be my Father in Heaven to guide me through, be the light of my life.

I pray all this in Jesus Name, Amen.

星期一

几个星期了。我的心还是这么的散。为什么？

我很不喜欢现在的我。现在的我只为了过日子而过日子。

以前的我对生活有多么的努力，积极。多么的想要成功，多么的想要不停的学习。

知道自己不够好的时候，会努力的去改变。会为生活而做计划。

而现在呢，我是多么的懒散。做什么都好像不再想以前那么的努力。

做事情变得很没有方向，目标。根本就专心不来，怎么办？

觉得一天比一天的长。因为都过得没什么意义。

在工作，根本就做不了什么，心不在。

在学习，更不用讲了。

怎么办啊？？？

我应该怎样找回我自己？

我应该怎样找会我对生命的盼望？

我应该怎样才相信我会找到幸福？

我很烦。

昨晚过了一个不是跟妈妈过的母亲节。

2011年的母亲节

星期天我求你不要那么快到。因为我不懂应该如何去面对。

不敢去接受我没妈过母亲节了。

为什么要留下一个遗憾给我？

难得过了那么多年后回来陪妈妈过母亲节而神却把她带走了。

我该如何？

五月

星期二，过了一个3天的周末。感觉很爽。

但是，今天又回到了这个残酷的世界。

很累！

爸爸和弟弟今天又要回去k.k.了。有点不舍得。

爸爸告诉我，他一生中最疼爱的就只有妈妈和我了。

而现在妈妈不再回来，我会是他唯一的宝贝了。

爸，谢谢你。

我也想念妈了。

还记得9个月前我们一起去旅行。那时的我们多么开心。而现在呢？

妈，我真的想你了。

我的生活好像再也没有什么色彩了。怎么办？

你看那时的他们有多么的开心。为什么非要分开他们呢？

我心痛爸爸了。

2011年，将会有好事发生在我生命中吗？

＝.＝

什么都不想想了。

只想睡觉。

逃避这残忍的世界。

四月份

四月将结束了，回想起来，好像发了一场恶梦。

最敬爱的她离开了，而我也渐渐的习惯一个人生活了。

泪水还在为你而流，表示我想你了。当受委屈的时候，你不再会安慰我了。

妈，我受委屈了。

告诉自己我要改变。压抑自己的情感。

渐渐对生活没有了安全感，我是怎么了？

看到了别人幸福，而我呢？

接下来的下半年，我还是会不断受打击还是我生命会改变？

我会幸福吗？

今天心里有点不平静，不舒服。看了他的fb相片和notes. 忽然害怕了。

我到底怎么了？

努力掩饰自己的害怕，自己的不受肯定。

很想安定下来生活，但是这世界好像不让我好好的。

阿爸父神，我求你保守我，好让我好好过每一天。

求你赦免我的罪，好让我从新得力。

给我足够的智慧去面对这个世界的压力，打击。

奉主名求，阿们。

我要好好的。

March 2011

Started a brand new month with a brand new life. Ups and downs in the previous months. I have been suffering for the past few weeks and now I promised myself I will be stronger than ever.

I set goals for myself since last week. I told myself I gonna be a successful lawyer in few years time. I gonna do my best in my CLP and NO WAY to fail. I knew it gonna be a tough period, but I promised myself, I will stand firm and fight for my dreams. I'm not alone after all.

Things have just happened in a way which I never expected. After days, months and years, only realised that who is the most important in my life. God is so good to me that He sent all my loves one, family and friends back to my life.

I think I will be tougher after these period of working here in KL. I'm glad with my choice. Dreams...never easy to achieve. Need really strong determination, patience, hard work etc.

A brand new life is full of challenges everyday seriously! No matter how, I gonna fight till the end.

A brand new life.

不想再让身边的家人，姐妹，朋友担心了。

我要改变。我要做那个不再为别人而活的女生了。

我会好好过。我会学会勇敢。

知足常乐。

Dear God, please grant me one more chance, I promised I will be very good.

I just want to be a Happy-Go-Lucky daughter, gf and friend.

From this second, it marks the end of my unhappy life.

And I promise myself that I will smile again.

Hope better days are yet to come =)

加油！:D